If in your head you are thinking right now, Jess, what happened to you? Why are you writing such a sad and negative post?
Well, I will tell you why.
The actual reason is that, as sad as it sounds, I am sick of feelings and disappointments. But I am not writing this post because of self pity or for you to feel bad for me. I just want this to be an eye opener and share freely what is going on with me, and why I might have been away for a while.
For this reason, let’s look at some of the definitions of “feelings” I have found:
“An emotional state or reaction”
“The emotional side of someone’s character; emotional responses or tendencies to respond”
Noticed something? All of these definitions have the word “emotion” in it. And emotions can be experienced in a good or bad sense and can also be intentional or unintentional and you can or can not be aware of those. Which therefore means, it is hard to control them.
And to be honest, I consider myself a very very very emotional person. I noticed I feel things very strongly, every little aspect of my life, which means I feel joy to a high extent but when I am sad, I am very sad and almost depressed, because of how deep I feel everything.
Lately, I am sick of feeling too deeply, especially because I realised how much it drains me. It is difficult to snap out of it, when I catch myself in such a state. And I know this is part of life, I really do.
But recently, one disappointment follows another regarding interpersonal relationships. Don’t understand me wrong, I am making a lot of amazing friends as well. But you know what? The more disappointments follow another, I really start asking myself, what the heck is wrong with me?
After some self reflection and some time only for myself, I know now – Nothing is wrong with me. I just realised one important thing, and it is, that I have put way too much effort and time into people that do not deserve a single second of me or my time. When I like someone, or I “catch feelings”, I like to dedicate it all to the one, that made me feel this way. And sometimes I do that with all my heart, and I leave my head behind. And I really think my head should not be undervalued, since it has been a great companion in my life.
The message of this post is, don’t be scared to fall, but do it with a conscious mind and be sure about how much energy you invest in someone. Because, you know what? The most important thing is to focus on yourself. As cheesy as this might sound, it is true. The more days pass by and the more disappointments follow another one, I am starting to realise the universe true intentions towards me. And you will, too.